During our first Coaching Conversation meeting, I got the opportunity to practice coaching for a few minutes with one of my cohort peers. We were discussing humble inquiry and curious questions that do not preformulate the answer nor influence the form or content, as a way to access one's own ignorance. We were given examples along with a challenge to see if, during our practice, those of us in our roles as coaches could listen as our partners in the exercise share their thoughts on a prompt, and limit our responses to "can you say more?" or "what else?".
I was determined to meet the challenge but when it came down to it, I found it extremely difficult to do so. It wasn't until afterward that I realized I had been searching my mind and the content of what my partner was saying for anything I could humbly inquire about, even though my plan had been to do as challenged and ask those two questions only. I ended up asking a long-winded question that did not seem to prompt any helpful reflection in my partner.
For some reason, it felt as though if I had simply asked "what else" it would have been too easy, insincere, and unhelpful. It felt like I needed to provide more value than two previously decided-upon words. Now I realize that if I was not so focused on trying to be helpful, I might have heard what my partner was saying, and I might have begun to understand them and create a connection.
Instead of forcing the direction of the conversation with the long-winded awkward question I could have created space for the person being coached to process, articulate, and share what is coming up for them.
This brings to mind something our professor said that stayed with me: "the most valuable thing you can give your client, is not what you say but how you show up for them as a person".
The next time the opportunity presents itself, I am committed to simply listening and attempting to understand. With that as my goal, it suddenly makes a lot of sense to stick to those two questions.
I am definitely beginning to see the value of asking open-ended, humble, curious questions, but is that really enough to be a successful coach?
I suppose it depends on how one defines success...
I really resonates with your feeling the need to provide more value. Every time I think to hard about asking open-ended questions, I end up with long and way to complicated questions. A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting experience as I was coaching a colleague. We were practicing coaching, and the subject was something that has influenced who we are today. I decided to not only listen actively asking "what else" and similar things, I was going to ask questions about things, I didn't know the answers to and that I thought was interesting/relevant in regard to what he was telling me. Both about factual things, like "where did it happen?", "was it always like that?", but…